If anyone asked the plan was to say we meant to see American Sniper
Mr Grey will see you now… all three of you.
The internet finds a trend and tweets, tags and twists it to its death. The latest one, 50 Shades of Grey, is everywhere, making headlines in the tabloids as well as the boring broadsheets.
This is all well and good… if you’re in on the joke (which every female on the planet seems to be). As a man the area is one best avoided, like the dirty magazines on the top shelf of your local shop.
Technically you’re allowed to buy the magazine; technically you’re allowed to watch 50 Shades of Grey, but technically if you do it you look creepy. Trust me.
How do I know? Because this week in the name of journalism (obviously) I decided to test social norms send three men (well, me and two mates) shamefacedly to see Mr Grey.
Whereas groups of women went past giggling with excitement, we eased our way in slowly, knowing already that we had made a huge mistake.
The film itself was just like every other RomCom ever. A man perfect in his imperfection falls for the plain Jane and they tie the knot. Only difference is in 50 Shades of Grey there’s more than knots. There’s a sex dungeon, a whip, and a blindfold.
If my granny knew what was just watched she’d light a candle for my wee soul.
The movie itself proved to be cringey, with Jamie Dornan using a few of the riskier chat up lines found in the likes of The Fly on a Monday. Classics like “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard”, and, “If you were mine you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week.”
Lovely. Just lovely. Almost as lovely as his bottom.
Any humour from the experience soon got old. Aaron Murchan, second year Law student who dozed off throughout, occasionally woke up asking the questions going through each of our heads, “Are they having sex again?” and ”Does this remind any of you of an overblown perfume advert?”
Computer Science first year Stephen Harvey appeared at ease throughout, laughing at the crudeness of the experience.
“Did she just say anal fisting?”, and, “What are butt plugs?”. His final verdict on the experience was “It wasn’t good, and it wasn’t bad. It was watchable like.”
At the end of the experience all heads were kept down and a quick,shifty exit was made. Afterwards we all attended a confession service before returning home to wash out our eyes and forget the experience with a manly bottle of Buckfast and a few pints in The Bot.
Overall, fantastic film, 10/10 would watch again. A cultural symbol for a generation. Sure it’s all a bit of craic.